Revenge on the Nerds
We’ve all been there. Your computer stops cooperating. It destroys all your data, or
starts doing weird shit. Or it just won’t do whatever you’ve asked it to do.
You poor, desperate fool, you click on “Microsoft Online Tech Support”
You get a ‘chat box”. It may or may not be a human on the other end. You are first told how much the information is going to cost.
You tell the Tech Support nerd “My computer stopped doing “this”
The Nerd tells you: “That’s easy. You have to dreframulate the Boolean property incubus after first reformatting the inelastic collider. Only after it has heliosed, type in:
(/fhii84/coooy886/youaresoscrewed and when it prompts you with “By doing this you
agree to delete all your data and edit your registry”, click on ‘Yes’.”
Because you have no idea what the information means, you start at step one, typing in: “How do I dreframulate” and your computer says “Despite the fact that you own me, sucker, Microsoft has programmed me to thwart every attempt you make to repair me.”
I have learned how to get revenge.
I answer my business phone: “Auto repair shop.”
Microsoft Tech Support Guy: “My car stopped running; I’m stuck on the off ramp in Redmond.”
Me: What were you doing when it stopped running?
TS: “Driving it to work! I work in Tech Support at Microsoft.”
Me: Oh. Sweeet. Is it making a noise?
TS: You mean now?
TS: No, it’s not running! It can’t make noise when it’s not running!
Me: That’s not good. It means something’s wrong.
TS: That’s why I’m calling you!
Me: Is it out of gas?
TS: I don’t know. How do you tell if it’s out of gas?
Me: Seriously? You don’t know?
TS: Isn’t the car supposed to tell me it’s out of gas?
Me: It did. It stopped running.
TS: It’s not out of gas! Look, I’m a highly trained technician. I work with computers all
day. Why can’t cars be like computers?
Me: Sorry to say, sir, they already are. What was it doing before it stopped running?
TS: It was going 60 mph on the highway, then it just stopped and it’s raining like hell and I need to get to work. Why did it stop running?
Me: I’m trying to figure out what you did to it.
TS: I was DRIVING it.
Me: Are you in the car?
TS: Of course! It’s raining!
Me: What do the gauges read?
TS: What are ‘gauges’?
Me: (sighing), They’re little meters with needles. They are on the dashboard.
TS: All I see are icons.
Me: Yeah, thanks to computer geeks, no one puts in gauges anymore. What do the icons say?
TS: One says “Check Engine”. Is that bad?
Me: You should have told me that first.
TS: So I should check the engine?
Me: That helps a lot.
TS: How do I check the engine?
Me: Open the hood.
TS: Do I have to go out in the rain?
Me: That’s the only way I know of.
TS: Can’t you, like, do it remotely?
Me: No. Why don’t you “Ask a friend for help”.
TS: I don’t have any friends. Wait, here’s a homeless guy with a cardboard sign. Maybe he can tell me how to open the hood.
TS: Hey, buddy, can you tell me how to open the hood?
Voice: You don’t know how to open the hood? You must work for Microsoft. Gimme a
twenty, dumbass, and I’ll show you. Hurry up, it’s freaking raining, I ain’t got all day.
TS: Here, dammit.
TS: OK. I have the hood up.
Me: OK. First, you have to remove the fuel injector pump.
TS: The what?
Me: The fuel injector pump. Your car IS fuel injected, isn’t it?
TS: I don’t know, what is fuel injected?
Me: Is it an older model? Is it carbureted?
TS: You mean, like a can of pop?
Me: Not carbonated, carbureted. Is there a metal bowl on the intake manifold?
TS: The what?
Me: Do you see a small metal bowl?
TS: No. I see this big metal thing with a bunch of wires and hoses and round things,
there’s all sorts of things in here. What IS all this stuff?
Me: It’s called an ‘engine’. Have you pulled the fuel injector pump?
TS: I don’t even know what that is!
Me: (dripping scorn) The fuel injector pump portions precise amounts of fuel to anywhere from 4 to 8 fuel injectors, which atomize and then inject fuel into the tops of the cylinder heads.
Everyone knows that. I can’t believe I’m telling a computer programmer something this
insanely simple. You drive the car, right?
TS: Yeah, but I don’t need to know how it works, I just need it to work.
Me: And that, Mr. Tech Support, is EXACTLY why the majority of humans on this planet
hate Microsoft and its arrogant technical non-support and computer programmers. You
purposely create programs so complicated even you can’t fix them, and when we
need help, you ignore us or treat us like morons.
If you want your car fixed, you’d better have it towed here.
I charge $125 per hour for labor, parts not included. Oh, that doesn’t include charges for
this tech support call. I take Visa, Master Card, or cash.
Good day. This chat has ended.